Yes, You

“That statement doesn’t reflect who I am.” “That wasn’t me.” “I don’t know why I said that, I don’t have a racist bone in my body.” “That wasn’t anti-Semitic. How could it be? My accountant is Jewish, I don’t hate Jews.” Actual comments made by people apologizing/not apologizing for racist, homophobic and anti-Semitic statements. I could add many more statements made by celebrities, other public figures and friends. What they all have in common is denial.

 

Here’s the truth, if it came out of your mouth it IS who you are. You are what you say. It is impossible to change if you deny those parts of you you don’t like or don’t want to own. Pretending the icky bits of you don’t exist just prevents you from addressing those bits. No, I’m not talking about doing “shadow work,” a term that has been grossly misused. Shadow work supposedly is a way of dealing with those parts of yourself that make you uncomfortable. However, most people I’ve talked to who have gone to workshops or taken classes, have not worked with their hidden biases in any meaningful way. Rather, they seem to think acknowledging their “shadow side” gives them an out for any bad behavior.

 

A friend said to me, after making a bigoted comment that I called them on, “I didn’t mean it, it’s my shadow peaking out.” Well, calling bias your shadow doesn’t make it any less biased, and it doen’t absolve you of responsibility. Here’s a good rule of thumb to know when you are responsible for what you say; If you said, you’re responsible for it. Pretty simple.

 

Here’s the other truth, if you are a living, breathing human being you harbor prejudices, biases, and bigoted thoughts and feelings. Yes, you, you, me and everyone else on the planet. Pretending you don’t doesn’t make it so. Disavowing your own words doesn’t make it so. Ignoring it doesn’t make it so. Calling others “snowflakes” doesn’t make it so. Claiming you are not responsible for how others take what you say doesn’t make it so. You are prejudiced, you are bigoted, you, if you are white and living in the United States, have white privilege.

 

Awareness of a problem is the beginning of change, but only the beginning. Racism, anti-Semitism, Islamophobia, homophobia, and other forms of bigotry won’t go away just with awareness; you have to work at it every day. You have to work against your initial reaction to people who are not like you. You have to work against ingrained teaching.

 

Here’s a good way to start. One of the most insidious ways we practice prejudice is the all of you game, the assumption that one member of a group knows ALL the other members of the group. For example, a couple of years ago, upon finding out I was Jewish and had lived in California (population roughly 39,000,000, with roughly 1,000,000 Jews) asked me if I knew Bob Goldfarb. “No,” I said. “Why?” “Well,” she said, “He lives in California.” “Oh, there a lot of people in California,” I said. “Well, he’s Jewish.” There you have it. Of course I know him. All Jews know each other, don’t we?

 

The other insidious way we play the all of you game is to assume that whatever group someone perceives you to be a member of, they assume that you will be interested in anything that has to do with that perceived group. Again, I can only offer examples from my own experience. I can’t tell you how many times people have told me about Fiddler on the Roof revivals, assuming I would be interested, but no one has ever told me about Porgie and Bess revivals. Well, you might say, I was just trying to connect. What this indicates is in your subconconscious lies an ever present awareness that this person is not like you. Why else would you bring up my Jewishness every time you see me? I’m guessing you don’t assume your white, Episcopal friends know all Episcopalians, or are interested in every revival of The Glass Menagerie.

 

And, no, before you go there, this is not a call for “color blindness” or any kind of difference blindness. It’s a call to own up to your own stuff. To be honest with yourself and call yourself out on your own biases and then work to quiet them. Work to appreciate, honor and love people for all of who they are. Do your own work.

If You’re sad and you know it, let it be.

Be careful, especially now, about those people who want to try to make you stop feeling what you’re feeling. Be careful of those people who want to cajole you out of sadness, who tell you to find the bright side, look for the good in everything.

 

Grieving is an inevitable part of living. We grieve not only death, but all kinds of loss. We grieve even in the midst of happy occasions. We often think of grieving when someone dies, when a relationship ends, when something bad happens. However, it’s common for people to feel grief after graduating from school, getting married, leaving a job for a better one, receiving an award. We grieve what was and wonder about what will be. Grief is normal, natural and helpful. It allows us to process experiences. Grief comes with all kinds of feelings, sorrow, joy, anger, despair, confusion, apathy, fear.

 

The only way to work with grief in a way that is life sustaining is to feel all the feelings, all of them. Too often, out of their own discomfort, well-meaning friends and family will try to get people to stop grieving. “You know your mother wouldn’t want you to be unhappy. Think of all the good things in your life.” “You’re young, you can have another baby. Focus on that, not the baby you lost.” “Just get another dog, that way you won’t be sad.” “Don’t be sad, you don’t look pretty when you frown.”

 

Feel your feelings, all of them and know it’s okay to feel whatever you feel. I remember a time when I was very young–it was either in nursery school or kindergarten. I felt sad. I don’t remember why, but I remember feeling sad. Our teacher had us sing the song, “If you’re happy and you know it.” Well, the rest of the class sang, “If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands,” and then dutifully clapped. I remained silent and did not clap. The teacher stopped the song and asked, “Why aren’t you singing and clapping?” “I’m sad,” I said. “The songs says if you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. I’m not happy so I didn’t clap.” “Well, you should be happy. You’re too young to be sad. You will sing. We’re all singing. You don’t want to ruin it for everyone else do you?” Lesson learned. I shut up and sang. It didn’t make me feel happy.

 

That teacher taught me, and probably most of the other children in the room, that sadness is bad and should be hidden, that we should pretend we’re happy all the time, even if we aren’t. It took me a long time to get over that early programming. Unfortunately, our happy, happy, joy, joy culture doesn’t support feeling anything but happiness. Sorrow, sadness, anger, fear are demeaned as “negative” emotions that should be avoided, or if not avoided than quickly “processed” and tranformed into joy and happiness. Doing this doesn’t actually make people happier, it just makes people feel like failures because they can’t be happy all the time. The truth is no one is happy all the time. No one. Nope, not anyone. We all experience a full range of feelings. Yep, you too. You who say, “I don’t get angry, it’s unproductive.” You who say, “I only see the good in the world, I refuse to see the negative,” You who say, “I refuse to give in to negative emotions.” All of us, every one experiences the full range of emotions. We only get into trouble when we reject our feelings and emotions and try to shove them down, pretend they don’t exist, or spend our energy “transforming” them to something more comfortable.

 

This week, pay attention to how often you try to avoid feeling feelings that are uncomfortable. Pay attention to what you do to avoid feeling. Pay attention to how you feel inside if you share your feelings with another and they try to cajole you out of your feelings. Pay attention to how often you try to get other people to not feel what they’re feeling, because you are uncomfortable with their feelings.

Which are you?

Hello Monday. We’re still in quarantine time. A new world, one which I never fathomed. When I have extra time on my hands, my mind wanders and wonders. This morning what came to mind was Erik Erikson’s idea (I’m simplifying here, so don’t get your knickers in a twist) that early experiences have a profound influence on later life. He noted two distinct types of people; those who had positive early experiences and came to believe the world was basically good, and those who had negative early experiences and came to believe the world was basically bad.

While I don’t agree with everything Erikson wrote, I believe there is validity to this. Interestingly, I see it played out in my cats (yes, I told you I had a lot of free time right now). We have two cats, Earl Scruggs and Leon Russell (and now you know my musical taste is eclectic).

We adopted Leon from our local humane society. We went there in search of a dog, but there were none that sparked our interest. On a whim, I said, “Let’s just look at the cats.” We’d lost one of our cats about six months earlier. Spike was a special cat and I hesitated to get another, but Birdie cat was bereft. She wandered around the house howling forlornly. So, we looked. My eyes were caught by a short-haired tuxedo cat who was curled up in his bed in his shelter cage. Spike was a tuxedo cat and I was fond of the color pattern. I asked to see him. The shelter volunteer brought Gabriel (his shelter name) into the cat introduction room, where he immediately curled up in my lap and started purring. We found out he was relinquished by his previous owner. Whoever owned him had treated him well. He is sure of himself, calm, loving, mellow. He is a cat who likes to be carried, held and loved. It appears his early life experiences were good.

Earl was a feral kitten. His mother, Tuxy, had been a feral kitten as well. We’d managed to catch Tuxy’s mom, Stubby and get her spayed after she had Tuxy. We were unable to catch Tuxy, but we fed her and provided an insulated doghouse on our patio. She was friendly enough that she would come up to the screen door and rub her head on it, and she wouldn’t run when we put food out, but we couldn’t catch her. Soon, she was pregnant. She gave birth to six kittens in the doghouse on our patio. We started touching the kittens early on, when she left them, so they would get used to being handled. But, they were still feral. Once they are about three weeks old, she began moving them from place to place to keep the kittens safe; sometimes they would be on the patio, sometimes they would be gone. One day I watched her move the kittens to another location; all but one, an all-black short haired kitten. I left him out there, figuring she would come back, but she didn’t. After a few hours, I realized she might not come back for this kitten, so I brought him inside and Soni called our local cat rescue, which came and got Earl and gave us instructions for how to get the rest of the kittens and Tuxy. Well, the little black kitten sat curled up on my neck for two hours before the cat rescuer came, so I knew he was going to come back to us when he was old enough. Within a few days we were able to catch the rest of the kittens and get them to the cat rescue and shortly after that we caught Tuxy who was spayed and released. All but one of the kittens survived.

The black kitten returned to us when he was about three months old. Now known as Earl, he is loving to us, but tentative around people he doesn’t know. He is easily startled. His early life was uncertain.

The difference between the two cats is obvious when it comes to breakfast time. The cats are free-fed dry food, but they also get a little wet food every morning, around 7:30. At about 6:30 Earl starts meowing. He runs back and forth between the kitchen and wherever we are, letting us know he needs to be fed. Leon, on the other hand is usually sleeping, or lying somewhere, chilling. When I get the cat food can out, Earl starts meowing loudly. He gets on his hind legs and reaches up toward the counter, trying to get the food. Leon is still asleep. As I lower his bowl to the floor, Earl is trying to grab it with his paws. As soon as it hits the ground, he eats it as fast as he can, making sure every bit is gone. After I put his bowl on the floor, Leon lifts his head and saunters to his bowl. He eats what he wants, and then walks off. Leon never worries that there isn’t enough, he never doubts his good is coming. Earl, on the other hand is always worried that his good either isn’t coming, or if it comes, he worries it will be taken away.

I love both cats and I wouldn’t want either of them to change. They are who they are. Today, can you be authentically who you are and allow others to be who they are? Can you give others grace knowing that who they are today is a result of all their life experiences?

Where are you right now?

Hello Wednesday. It’s the fifth Wednesday in quarantine time. Isolated in our homes it’s easy to despair. It’s easy to slip into apathy, to feel uninspired, to feel there is no point to anything.

 

When I slip into apathy I find these words from Jon Kabat Zinn helpful: “Try reminding yourself from time to time: ‘This is it.’…Remind yourself that acceptance of the present moment has nothing to do with resignation in the face of what is happening. It simply means a clear acknowledgement that what is happening is happening. Acceptance doesn’t tell you what to do. What happens next, what you choose to do, that has to come out of your understanding of this moment.” From Kabat-Zinn, Jon Wherever you Go There You Are, p. 16.

 

From time to time during the day ask yourself, “Where am I? What am I thinking?” Take a few moments to become aware of your thoughts, feelings and emotions. Pay attention to the sensations in your body. Don’t try to change anything, just be aware. Again and again throughout your day, come back to this now moment, breathe, ask the questions, let go of judgment. You’re doing the best you can. This is a new reality, one most of us have never experienced before. Be gentle with yourself, be gentle with others. We’re all trying, even if you don’t agree with the way someone else is doing it, be gentle, be kind.

Love the stranger

Hello Thursday. It’s the fourth Thursday in Quarantine time. Passover started last night. Eight days to commemorate the liberation of the Israelites from Egypt. It’s a story full of hope and horror, faith and fecklessness; a stark reminder of what happens when we devalue human beings because of any perceived quality and then feel we can own them, abuse them, hate them, and a reminder of the hope brought by faith even in the darkest hour.

 

Deuteronomy 10:19 reads, “Love the stranger, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.” Not just tolerate, not just ignore, but love. Love the stranger. This is bigger than love your neighbor, because you probably at least know your neighbors. Love the stranger. Love the stranger who doesn’t look like you, who doesn’t worship like you, who doesn’t vote like you, who doesn’t think like you. Love the stranger who hates you for who you are. Love the stranger who believes your belief is an abomination. Love the stranger who believes you are not worthy of taking up space.

 

The world cannot change for the better if we work from hate and from what we’re against. The world can only change for the better if we come from love and act as love. What are you for? What kind of world do you want to see? How do you want to be treated? What impression do you want to leave with others after they’re interacted with you? What legacy do you want to leave behind after you die?

 

In the midst of this pandemic, there are some crappy things happening, people behaving badly. There are also lots of good things happening, people showing kindness to others, strangers reaching out and helping strangers, people helping other people. Look for the goodness; focus on the people and institutions that are doing what they can to improve the world even now.

 

Remember to look out for the stranger in your midst and do what you can to love them. Rashi, in his commentary on this verse writes, “Do not taunt your fellow with the blemish you yourself have.” This is a reminder that, often what we find problematic in others is a reflection or projection of what we find problematic in ourselves. Look within, get in touch with how you feel when someone is kind to you versus how you feel when someone is unkind. Which feels better? Be kind, be love, be you.

Facts Matter

Hello Wednesday, the fourth Wednesday in quaratine time. Today, some common sense. We are in the midst of a pandemic, a worldwide public health event. No country is spared irrespective of religion, politics, culture, economy or ethos. This virus is killng all kinds of people. Money and fame are no protection. Even though the rich appear to be getting better care, especially in the U.S., which is no surprise given our medical system, they are dying too.

 

Misinformation, myths and conspiracy theories continue proliferating on social media and in some press outlets. It can be hard to separate the truth from the static. One way is to only get your information from reliable sources. The CDC is reliable, WHO is reliable. The web sites of celebrities are not reliable.

 

As I’ve written many times, humans are meaning seeking creatures. We, as a species, are uncomfortable with uncertainty and with questions that have no answers. In the absence of certainty we make up stories, sometimes the stories are simple, sometimes they’re elaborate. All of the world’s religions are based on made up stories that try to answer questions about why the world is the way it is and what is humanity’s place in the world. Yes, ALL religions are based on made up stories, including yours. Think about it, we call our own religion’s origin stories religion, but call the origin stories of other religions myth.

 

We don’t just make up stories about big things. We make up stories all day long; stories about why someone said what they did, why someone looked at us or didn’t look at us, stories about people in other cars, stories about people we meet on the street, or in stores, or in our faith communities. We make up stories about people’s motivations. Most of our waking time is spent making up stories. Any opinion you have is a story. Any belief you have that can’t be backed up by irrefutable facts is a story. They may be nice stories with happy endings, but they’re still stories.

 

The bad news is you’ll never stop making up stories. The good news is you can become aware of the stories you tell and once you become aware of the stories you tell, you can begin to lessen their hold on you.

 

I’ve been reading items in the news about people being shamed for not wearing masks and/or gloves in public, about people being spit on, screamed at, vertbally abused, physicalls abused because they look Asian, about people who believe the virus is a hoax refusing to physically distance themselves, about people who believe their religious beliefs will save them. This abuse is based on stories and conspiracy theories. But, here’s the thing, your shaming, your judgment, your prejudice won’t save you from this virus. Your holier than thou attitude won’t save you from this virus. Here’s what might help you not get it, proper handwashing, not touching your face, staying at home unless you absolutely NEED to go out for essential items.

 

The same behaviors will help you keep from spreading this virus to others. Increasing numbers of epidemiological studies indicate at least 50% of people with this virus have no symptoms, but can still transmit it. You could be blithely passing this virus on to others without knowing it. As Andy Beshear says, “You can’t be doing that.”

 

What stories are you telling yourself about this virus? Where are you blind to the suffering of others? How are your stories prejudicial, shaming, judgmental? Think you don’t have stories? You do. Be honest, it’s the only thing that will save you from yourself. What stories are you willing to own up to today?

You are human

Hello Monday. It’s the fourth Monday in Quarantine time. We’re staying healthy at home as much as possible. Thanks to a kind neighbor, our garden plot is tilled and ready for planting. This afternoon we’ll plant snap peas, lettuce, kale, spinach and chard. It will be good to have fresh food right out our back door.

 

I’m adjusting to the new normal. I’ve found what works for me to stay more centered is to only check the news once or twice a day, to only check reliable sources and to not engage in debates on facebook with people who do not believe in science.

 

I believe in science; I believe in the power of objective facts, hard data. I do not believe in cosmic woo, magic, or the ability to defy the laws of nature. I’m perplexed by people who believe being spiritual, enlightened, holy, or self-actualized means no longer having human experiences. We are human beings, in a human body that is designed to last a finite amount of time.

 

We experience the world through this body. I believe enlightenment means coming to terms with this, understanding that we are sometimes well, sometimes ill, sometimes happy, sometimes sad, sometimes angry, sometimes grief stricken, sometimes wailing, sometimes gnashing our teeth. Sometimes we smell bad, sometimes we say stupid things, sometimes we fail, sometimes we succeed fabulously. All of it, everything we experience is part of being fully human.

 

To those of you who think you won’t get COVID-19 because you are “covered in the blood of Jesus,” or have “vibrations too high for a virus to infect me,” or will “pray it away,” I wish you good luck. What Iknow is that several clusters of illness in Kentucky (and elsewhere) have been caused by people insisting on attending religious services in defiance of orders not to congregate. In one case, sick congregants were encouraged to come to service. We are human. You are human. I am human. We are governed by the laws of nature, by our biology and our anatomy.

 

Prayer won’t save you, the blood of Jesus won’t save you, high vibrations won’t save you, incantations won’t save you, burning incense won’t save you, praying to idols won’t save you. These things might make you feel better, and if so, by all means do them, but they are not a substitute for common sense and for listening to what actual scientists say. Practice physical distancing, stay home when possible, glove and mask properly, don’t gather for any reason with anyone outside of those with whom you already live. The life you save could be yours.

You Can Make a Difference

Hello. It’s the third Friday in Quarantine time. Life in my neighborhood seems relatively normal. Looking out the window I see trees budding out, the redbuds blooming, a robin building a nest in a cubby in our eaves, wrens hopping through bushes, flashes of cardinals in the brush.

Out walking the dog, I realize things are not normal. There is almost no traffic noise coming from Versailles Rd. There are no children waiting for the school bus, there are more cars than normal for this time of day in driveways or on the street. I don’t see another human being the entire hour I am out with Grail.

Life has changed. It will never go back to being what it was. There is before and there will be an after, but for now we are in liminal space; betwixt and between.

Some reading this will have lost their jobs and will be struggling. Some reading this will still have their jobs. If you are fortunate to have a job, and you have the means, now is the time to give back to your community. There are many ways we can support each other right now. Donate money to a local food bank, most of which are seeing greatly increased demand. If you have PPE you are not using, donate it to your local fire department or hospital. Even 10 masks will help. If you hoarded supplies, consider sharing them with people who can’t afford to buy them. If you’re sitting on 100 containers of hand sanitizer you won’t be able to use it before it expires, why not share the wealth? If you are generally healthy and able to go to the grocery store, why not offer to shop for someone who is vulnerable? If you are handy and have a sewing machine you can sew masks for people.

Remember, we will get through this and we will get through this together. Now is also the time to look at your priorities. So, you can’t get a hair cut, get your hair colored, get manicures or pedicures, get waxed, get botox injections, or temporary fillers. Take some time to get curious about your beliefs around beauty and what is acceptable to you. Look in the mirror and begin loving yourself for who you are as you are without adornment.

Find three things to be grateful for today and tell three people how much they mean to you.

It’s a marathon

It’s Wednesday, day I don’t know what of our new reality. As many pundits have said, this is a marathon not a sprint. It might be more helpful to think of it as The Badwater Ultra-marathon. The Badwater is a 135 mile California race that starts in Death Valley at 279 ft. below sea level and ends on the slopes of Mt. Whitney, at an elevation of 8,360 ft. It takes extreme physical endurance, but just as important, if not more so, it takes extreme mental and emotional endurance.

 

I know people who have successfully completed the Badwater and they’ve all said, it’s about what happens in your head and heart, not about what’s happening in you body. It’s about preparation, and mental and physical self care and training. That is the way we will survive this pandemic as well, through rigorous mental and physical self-care.

 

First and foremost it’s important to feel your feelings, all of them. Don’t deny suppress, repress or belittle your feelings. Don’t try to cajole yourself into feeling differently than you do. Know that you will experience a whole range of feelings and it’s all ok.

 

Second, don’t listen to people who tell you how you should feel, or who try to get you to feel other than what you are feeling. Instead listen to people who will support and love you where you are, as you are.

 

Third, be gentle with yourself. Just because you may have more time on your hands, you don’t have to finish 25 projects. There is a worldwide sense of uncertainty, confusion and anxiety. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed, it’s normal to feel like you can’t concentrate, it’s normal to be more easily upset, it’s normal to be numb. Don’t beat yourself up if you’re not accomplishing what you think you should be right now. Give yourself the grace to be human, fully human.

 

Fourth, only get your information from trusted, reliable sources. Stay away from sites that are sensational and/or filled with half-truths and misinformation.

 

Fifth, keep reaching out to others via safe means. You are not alone in this. In the words of Andy Beshear, “We will get through this. We will get through this together.”

Do Your Part

Hello Friday. It’s a beautiful day in the Bluegrass. Bright blue sky, puffy clouds, trees, bushes, flowers blooming. So much good in the world. So many people helping other people. Today my mood bends toward ranting. Perhaps I’m just frustrated at the state of our nation and by our president who would rather have millions of people die than do the right thing.

 

In my own neighborhood people are taking seriously the physical distancing guidelines. However, yesterday in the park near my house there was a group of about 20 kids and somewhere between 5 and 10 adults holding a softball or baseball clinic. Several neighbors called the police. I am amazed at the arrogance and selfishness of people who think rules don’t apply to them. People who think so little of other people they feel they can do whatever they want. I wonder how they will feel when their spouse is gasping for air on a ventilator and dies alone in quarantine? Will they care then?

 

I realize I keep writing about this, but there is somethng in me that just can’t understand people who are careless and cavalier, people who believe their own needs, wants and desires come before everyone else’s. I’m seeing this more and more with people who call themselves religious or spiritual. God will protect me so I don’t need to take precautions. Well, I don’t care if you practice new thought, new age, one of the big three religions, any other religion, or are an atheist.

 

The truth is you live in a human body and human things happen to human bodies. The laws of nature don’t stop applying just because you believe they do. What makes me the angriest is people who are clearly sick who deny it. “Oh, there is a virus trying to enter my body, but I refuse to allow it,” says the person who is coughing, sneezing, has runny, glazed over eyes and can barely stand up. No, you are not invincible and pretending you are not sick or calling it a health challenge doesn’t make you not sick. And, your pretending can KILL other people. Yes, you who pretend your thoughts and prayers will protect you and that you don’t need to heed common sense, you will kill other people with your foolishness. There is nothing wrong with prayer, but I don’t understand people who believe that religion and spirituality are not compatible with science.

 

Here’s the truth; viruses and bacteria don’t care what religion you practice, they don’t care whether you believe in God, or whether you are an atheist, they don’t care what color your skin is, what continent you live on, what color you hair is, they don’t care how much you pray, they don’t care what your political views are. Viruses, like all forms of life just want to live, and to do that they need a host, another living thing. Do what you can not to be that host.

 

Be sensible, think about other people. Do your part.